God Does Not Call the Equipped, He Equips the Called

I have really struggled writing this blog, it's not that I couldn't think of things to write about, I thought of lots of things to write about, sometimes I had a hard time sleeping because I was thinking about things to write. Then I would wake up in the morning tired because I couldn't sleep well and then my heart wasn't in it anymore. I have actually wrote a few posts that I haven't published and don't know if I will publish them.
My hesitancy comes from lack of confidence in myself, but that is the problem, I am putting my faith in myself instead of God. I keep saying I can't do it.
 I started this blog because I felt a calling to do it, and I feel like God has laid it on my heart to talk about being "real", I'm guessing to feel relatable to others. None of us are perfect, and I don't ever want to come across as self-righteous, hypocritical or like my life is perfect and nothing is ever wrong, but I also don't want to be negative and overly dramatic or just plain wrong in what I say. I think I've struggled also because I have a tendency to babble and get on different tangents or just not make any sense and it's hard not to think about what people will think of me. It's also very difficult to put myself out there and be vulnerable.I feel ill-equpped to write a blog. I have thought God, You want ME to write a blog?!! Who wants to hear what I have to say? It's been as if He's saying it's not about what you say, it's about what I say through you!
God does not call the equipped, He equips the called!
The next time you feel like God did not make you for a grand purpose, remember:
Noah got drunk, Genesis 9:20-22.
Abraham was too old, Genesis 17.
Jacob was a liar, Genesis 27:19.
Leah was considered ugly, Genesis 29:17
Joseph was abused, Genesis 37:24-36.
Moses stuttered, Exodus 4:10.
Gideon was afraid, Judges 6:21-23.
Samson had long hair and was a womanizer, Judges 14.
Rahab was a prostitute, Joshua 2:1.
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young, Jeremiah 1:6-7 and 2 Timothy 1:2.
David had an affair and was a murderer, 2 Samuel 11:3-27.
Elijah was suicidal, 1King 19.
Isaiah preached naked, Isaiah 20:2-4.
Jonah ran from God, The book of Jonah
Naomi was a widow, Ruth 1:3.
Job went bankrupt, The Book of Job.
Peter denied Christ, Matthew 26:69-70.
The Disciples fell asleep while praying, Matthew 26:40.
Martha worried about everything, Luke 10:40.
Mary Magdalene was cleansed of seven demons, Mark 16:9.
The Samaritan woman at the well had five husbands, John 4:18.
Zaccheus was too small, Luke 19:3.
Timothy had an ulcer, 1Timothy 5:23.
Lazarus was dead! John 11.
 I felt God nudging me, after hearing this song by Gospel singer Mandisa, to be real about myself.
What If We Were Real 
Well, I'm tired of saying everything
I feel like I'm supposed to say
I'm tired of smiling all the time
I wanna throw the mask away
Sometimes you just have a bad day
Sometimes you just wanna scream
Tell me I'm not the only one
Tell me that you feel just like me

We keep trying to make it look so nice
And we keep hiding what's going on inside
But what if I share my brokenness
What if you share how you feel
And what if we weren't afraid of this crazy mess
What if we were real

I'm over hiding my tears
I think I'm gonna let them go
I'm over acting so strong
When I ain't even in control
We make it so complicated
But why does it have to be
Why can't we open our hearts and let everybody see

We'd think a little less of ourselves
We'd care about someone else
'Cause we'd know just how they feel
Maybe we could let someone love us
Maybe we'd a little more like Jesus
Why can't we learn to be real

 I have dealt with depression for most of my life, I didn't have a name for it when I was younger, I thought I was just sort of a melancholy person. The depression exacerbated when my dad had cancer and when he died, I was 20 at the time, I had panic attacks when he was ill and after he died. I had had panic attacks as a child but had not had any in quite awhile, if you've never had a panic attack, it is a scary feeling,-your heart pounds, you feel like you can't breathe and you are just frozen. It always happens when I am in bed trying to sleep, which in the dark always seems to make it feel even worse especially if you are alone. In those times, I just pray to God to get me through it. I avoided any medication for a long time, but when my mom died I felt that I needed medication.
As a Christian, it's hard to admit you're depressed, Christians aren't "supposed" to be depressed, they are supposed to have hope in God.  But when a person is sick, they take medicine, I don't think God expects you to be miserable and not seek medical help but also don't think a person should pop a pill for everything. I'm not saying that it's just purely medical situation either, I think a person should pray and ask God for help and put their hope in Him, and look within themselves to see what else could be going on. It's hard to admit also that I have struggled in my faith many times in my life and I have even had times I have been mad at God, because he took my parents away from me, at least that is how I saw it. It's hard to understand God's will sometimes, and sometimes I don't want to hear about anything about it, sometimes we aren't ready. I think God places things in our life, like a post on Facebook that has a verse you have heard so many times but for some reason this time, it clicked with you or your devotional for the day is exactly what you needed to hear!
 There are many verses in the Bible that can help in times of depression, here are a few of my favorites:
 Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. Psalm 42:11 
 Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. Phillipians 4:8-9 
 For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:15-16
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27
 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29: 11

My hope, in writing this blog is that you will be blessed by the words I am writing. I pray for all of you that take the time to read my blog and know how my I appreciate it.
Love and blessings,
Jami